Whether it's a romantic partnership or a platonic bond, there’s something pretty special about connecting with someone on a deep and intimate level. For most people, the idea of being in a relationship is exciting. They spend a lot of their time thinking about it and actively pursuing it. For others, the thought of commitment can be terrifying. I speak from experience. I find it extremely difficult to commit, and I don't necessary mean to relationships. I struggle to commit to lots of things, such as nights out, coffee dates, and meetups. On the rare occasions when friends or acquaintances ask me to make a commitment, my inner response is panic: "How can I possibly predict how I will feel on that day? Will I be in the right headspace to deal with people, noise, and social situations?" The terror strikes, and I avoid forward planning for this reason, often giving very non-committal responses. I much prefer spontaneity.
My commitment issues are not founded on previous relationship experiences. I haven't felt so hurt or rejected that I am terrified of getting hurt again and avoiding getting into relationships altogether. I feel it comes more from being quirky, living life in the moment, and having a free-spirited nature. I struggle with the idea of losing my freedom and having to make the sacrifices and compromises that come with committement. I get overwhelmed and need to break free, which I know has caused hurt and confusion for previous romantic partners. I've found it easier to stay single and happy than to have to deal with all the confusing thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come with relationships. I don't see anything wrong with being single or not being in a committed relationship. Everyone has the right to their own feelings and relationship preferences.
The problem for me is when I feel attracted to someone and want to explore a deeper connection, but feel like I can't (or won't) take the necessary steps needed to make it into a committed relationship. I find the whole thing stressful and confusing. For a start, I can never really tell whether someone is genuinely interested in me in that way or not. If I'm talking to someone attractive who seems nice, funny, or whatever, I can't ever work out whether they're flirting or just being friendly. It's all way too confusing and leaves my head spinning. They could be giving me all the signs, and I'll be sitting there thinking, "Oh, they're just being nice" or "They're just a really flirty person who is like that with everyone." So I avoid these situations and only find out if someone is interested in me when they tell me or if they make a move.
Now, telling me or making a move is fine when I'm attracted to that person, but it can be awkward if I'm not. I am pretty direct and honest and people don't always take honesty well.
I have always found relationships tricky, but they can also be rewarding and fulfilling. Commitment-phobia is a real thing for me. Writing down the thoughts that feel jumbled up in my head, I can explore and better understand why I feel things the way I do. I know that if I want a loving and committed relationship, I'd have to be willing to make changes and take the necessary steps to make it happen. At this present moment in time, I don't feel ready to take those steps.
I do know that communication, honesty, and respect are essential pillars for any successful relationship - romantic, platonic, or otherwise. And who knows what the future will bring?
One thing I know for sure...relationships take a lot more than the stars aligning with the right person at the right place and the right time.
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