Solitude

Sometimes I wish I didn't notice everything. I wish I didn't feel the shift in someone's tone, a hesitation in their smile, the way words sometimes don't match the eyes. I wish I could exist in a room without noticing every unspoken thought, every tiny crack in a conversation.

But I do. And it can be exhausting.

My brain is always running, always analysing, always bracing for something to go wrong. Thinking to myself... Did I say the wrong thing? Did I miss something? Is everyone okay? Am I okay? It's like living in a constant state of fight or flight, even when nothing's actually happening.

My body doesn't understand that the war I'm preparing for is just life. Sometimes, I envy people who don't think this hard. The ones who don't replay conversations in their heads like a broken record. The ones who can walk away from a bad moment without carrying it like extra weight in their chest. I wonder what it's like to just be, to just exist without processing and dissecting every feeling, every glance, every silence. Perhaps life is easier when you don't feel everything all the time. But I don't know how to be that person. And part of me wonders if, deep down, I even want to be, it is how I connect with others. It's how I notice if someone needs help even if they don't ask. It's how I make space for people to feel seen and heard and valued. As draining as it can be, it's also my superpower.

As I'm getting older, I've learned to recognise more when I need solitude, to step back, have me time, be completely on my own to reset and recharge. I've learned the art of noticing without absorbing, acknowledging without owning emotions that aren't mine to carry. I protect my energy and tell myself often... that's not my stuff.

Some days are harder than others. Some days, I still find myself lying awake at night, replaying conversations, searching for hidden meanings in casual remarks. But I'm kinder with myself now. I understand that my heightened awareness isn't a flaw to fix, it's the way I'm wired. 

I know from the Wild Women group there are others like me and we're the ones who make the world a little happier, and a little more connected. For me that's worth all the exhaustion in the world.