Brene Brown Dare to Lead Training

As far back as I can remember I've had issues around being told what to do. If I am asked something more often than not I will quite happily and willingly do what I can. If I feel like someone is making demands on me or telling me what to do, instantly I feel my buttons being pushed. After I've stopped grinding my teeth to dust, picturing steam coming out my ears and my head exploding, it's likely my response will be a resounding no; not always through words, more likely through my behaviour in some shape or form. Even if I really like the person, it triggers something inside me. I'd never explored the reasons behind this.

When I am told what to do, this is what happens inside my head the instant that button is pushed; first my imagination goes into overdrive, I tell myself - they obviously think they are better than me, bloody cheek! - they think they know better than me, idiot! - fear/dread - oh no, they must think I'm the idiot, how dare they lack trust in my judgement, how dare they doubt my credibility, oh my goodness this must be what they say about me to others!!...and so on and so on. These thoughts trigger shame - I am stupid, I am worthless, I am not good enough. 

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough."
― Brené Brown

Shame is a gut-wrenchingly painful feeling. I've armored up to avoid the feeling, I've ended relationships to avoid the feeling, I've shunned friendships to avoid the feeling. I've arms lengthed people because they got too close; with no idea or understanding why. Two brilliant, thought provoking days of Brene Brown's Dare to Lead training, expertly facilitated by both Amber Farrier and Julie McVeigh completely blew my mind. I now know exactly what I've been battling against; when someone tells me what to do, the feeling I experience is shame. Over the last two days it has felt both difficult and liberating to rumble with vulnerability; it has to be my most brave and daring experience to date. Before leaving the training room with more knowledge around the research, more understanding of myself and a new set of skills, I would have easily picked a bungee jump or skydive over an uncomfortable and difficult conversation any day of the week! Brené Brown says she was raised to believe that vulnerability was a weakness, she learned you can't have true courage unless you open yourself up to vulnerability. I feel like I'm on the start of my journey. Guaranteed I will get this wrong as often as I get it right, but when I dive, I dive deep and I am going to give it my all. 

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”― Brené Brown.

I've built myself up, I've knocked my self down, I've shown myself the same love and compassion I would show to another, I've taken risks, I've learnt I will fall and I've been taught how to rise. 

I am wild

I am free

I love life

I am me

I fuck up

I let myself off

I get happy

I get cross

I am 100 miles per hour

I am sudden stop

I do love 

I do brave

I enter my cave

I listen

I learn

I take my turn

I am mum

I am gran

I am their super fan

I am lucky

I am plucky

I dare to lead with courage

by Maggie Martin