Love v Limerance

Limerance is a term initially coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the late 1970s, it can best be described as an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone. That swirl of butterflies, sleepless nights, and constant daydreaming about the object of your affection. When I think back to some of my youthful crushes and the early days of relationships, I can easily recall a dizzying rush of emotions, the whirlwind of thoughts racing through my head at all hours of the day, none of which lasted for very long.

For me, limerence is particularly relevant due to my autism and ADHD. I've come to learn that these traits can heighten emotional intensity and obsession, making it easier to become engrossed in the idea of someone. Limerence is characterised by longing and uncertainty. Am I on their mind? Do they feel the same way? The highs can be exhilarating, but they can come with crippling anxiety and insecurity.

Love on the otherhand feels more grounded and enduring. It’s comforting, filled with trust, and often involves a deep appreciation for the other person’s quirks, flaws, and virtues alike.

In my relationship, there’s been an undeniable sense of security and a mutual desire to grow together. Our connection has progressed beyond the initial spark of attraction, and developed into companionship and understanding, both of which I deeply cherish.

Love allows for vulnerability. It nurtures honesty and creates a safe space where both partners can navigate the ups and downs of life together. Unlike the fireworks of limerence, love often feels like a warm embrace on a chilly evening, steady and reassuring. It’s not that love lacks excitement, rather, it evolves into something rich and fulfilling over time.

Love v Limerence. There have been times in my life when I’ve had to distinguish between these two emotions. At the start of our relationship a part of me felt drawn to my partner with an intensity that left my heart racing. I have also recognised elements of limerence in him, in full swing, and had to remind myself of the deeper connection we are building. 

I fully understand my autism and ADHD shape my emotional responses, especially during the early stages of our relationship. It’s easy to get swept away in the initial allure, I’m learning to appreciate the slow burn of a genuine connection. My understanding of my emotional intensity helps me recognise when my feelings might lean too far into obsession rather than companionship. While limerence can be intoxicating and exhilarating, it’s love that stands the test of time. I’m grateful for the lessons that both love and limerence have taught me. Each experience has shaped my understanding of relationships and what it truly means to connect with another person. 

Being in love is beautiful, it's a blend of passion, companionship, and deep-rooted affection, a feeling I will continue to nurture and cherish as we continue this journey, and learn and grow together.