Single with reluctance to mingle

I am definitely not a person of nervous disposition or someone who is held back by fear, but the thought of a modern day romantic relationship is a scary prospect for this 50 year old singleton. In relationships nowadays people seem to have become disposable, it takes just a swipe right, or is it left, (I'm not really sure as tinder for me is the dry, flammable material used for lighting fires), for hoards of readily available faces seeking some form of human connection - love, sex, whatever. Maybe looking for a life time of love but settle for an hour, an evening, an overnight.  Incidentally, what is it with dick pics! What type of deranged mentality thinks a dick pic is a good way to another's persons heart, or even their sexual organs for that matter?! I have often wondered if somewhere...anywhere in this crazy world we live in, if this has actually ever worked! "How did you two meet?" "Interesting story - I fell in love at the first sight of the cock pic he sent." "Oh wow, you too!" 

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned hello, or eye contact, that look across a crowded room with a small, please pursue this further smile. Does this even happen anymore?  

Dating is a minefield and by that I don't mean it's a blast!! I socially distanced myself from the whole dating/relationship thing long before social distancing became a thing!  I have often described myself as relationship phobic, which is much easier than explaining that deep down I'm really an old fashioned romantic who has been disappointed, disillusioned and disheartened by modern day attitudes towards love, commitment, honesty and trust. Relationships mean different things to different people. 

My current relationship status: single with reluctance to mingle. I decided for me just anyone won't do, just sex won't do and disposable definitely isn't for me. I know what I want from life, I know what I want from love I also know what I've got to give. 

Someone 

I want someone who gives me butterflies when I am going to see and spend time them.

Someone to share simple moments with like splashing in the sea, seeing shooting stars, an amazing view or share a sudden happy thought or memory with.

Someone I feel comfortable with to be myself with whether hyper, happy, sad, loud, quiet - whatever.

Someone who lights up at the mention of my name and isn't afraid to come give me a hug and show me or others how they feel. 

Someone I can share laughs with and conversations about life, love, dreams, aspirations, fears.

Someone who is honest and genuine and not afraid to say if they disagree and don't share my opinion.

Someone emotionally strong and independent. 

Someone to cuddle up in front of a fire with, listen to music with, get lost in the moment with.

Someone who will listen and support me to make my own decisions rather than tell me what to do.

Someone who wants to get to know me inside out.

Someone who will trust me to do my own thing and make my own mistakes.

Someone who loves and respects me and deserves all these things in return and more.

By Maggie Martin 

"Go for you want in life or you might spend your entire life settling for what you can get."

Single ❌

Taken ❌

Holding out for a hero ✔

Precious moments in time

This week I decided to cancel all my plans so I could take some time out to spend alone. I wanted to go exploring, not as in one of my usual adventures, I wanted to venture inwards, explore my thoughts and my feelings. So much has changed in my life over the past few months, I was feeling the need to put the brakes on, slow down, breathe and just take time to think. 

Attempting to sit in silence makes you realise the world isn't silent. This is something I knew already but rediscovered it in my Scottish quest for peace and quiet. Alone, staring out at the Sea from the top of a hill, just across the England/Scotland border, it was anything but quiet. Birds singing, cars roaring past in the distance, waves crashing. It was however pure bliss, switching the world off,  listening to all the different sounds and really paying attention to where my thoughts drifted. 

It was a warm day so I sat down to take in the sounds, the smells, the stunning views. My thoughts led me to think about how full my life has become, full of people, full of plans, full of activities, full of love, laughter, friendship. A wave of happiness and contentment filled my heart as the thoughts passed through. I was completely aware of my feelings and in that moment, I felt lucky, blessed and grateful all at once. My thoughts then drifted to my children, and my feelings changed to pride and an overwhelming sense of love. I had started the week with a sadness at the realization my youngest childs time had come to fly the nest, which felt heart wrenching painful even though I was happy in the thought he would be setting out on a journey and exciting adventure of his own.

My children have all grown into pretty amazing, independent, confident and fully capable adults, and though I will alway be their mother, and grandmother to their children, it hit me like a wetfish in the face - my parenting days were done. This immediately brought on a 'wow' moment and a deep intake of breath!

Thinking about their childhoods, then my childhood I started to appreciate time. How easy it has become for people in our modern world to lose hours on social media, or watching films or tv shows. I've always had a thirst for adventure and do my best to make every moment I have on this small blue planet count. Which I have to say at times, gets exhausting. I've learnt with age that taking time to be still, to think, to reflect, to appreciate, is still making the moments count. Life doesn't have to be at 100 miles per hour to be fully lived, in fact it needs to slow down at times to be fully appreciated. Peace and rest suddenly felt precious. I made the decision there and then to go home, have some real alone time and spend the rest of my week off work getting used to life at home - being just me and the cat.

I've spent the last few days thinking about what I like to cook, what I like to do, how I want my house to look, how I want to spend my time. I've slowed down, I've cancelled plans, I've spent time simply, I've enjoyed being alone, I've also enjoyed time being around people.  I've made an effort to be present, be aware of my feelings, my thoughts, my likes and dislikes. I've listened to music, I've sat silently, I've contemplated life and existence. I've started to rediscover who I am, where I am, what I've got and what I would like to happen next, whilst fully appreciating the moment I am in. 

 “Sometimes, you need to be alone. Not to be lonely, but to enjoy your free time being yourself.”

By Maggie Martin